Well that’s just like your opinion man. But yeah.
I think everybody’s different. I mean, there do exist 23 year olds who are incredibly mature and fully formed as human beings, capable of making that kind of a Big Decision, but from what I’ve seen they’re pretty darn rare :)
There are some arguments in this thread that are getting dangerously similar to pedo arguments.
Throwing my anecdotal 2 cents in -
Married at 23 (wife just turned 21) straight out of college. We were both very immature, and we divorced two years later after she fooled around with her 55 year old boss. Left me devastated at 25 going on 26 thinking I was used goods. After a lot of maturing, a few more relationships, I remarried at 33.
It takes a lot of self reflection - because even though I could chalk up the previous marriage to “lol she a hoe” - I had piss poor financial skills, was very immature and lacked a lot of self confidence which manifested itself in toxic behavior all around. There are times I just cringe at who I was at that age. Not that I’m a perfect person now, I’m just more aware of what I needed to improve in myself to be a decent person and partner.
Part of it is the age old wisdom of learning to love yourself and figuring out what you like, versus just trying to mold yourself into the person you think your partner wants. And not to say that “oh I’m an asshole, They have to deal with it” but truly understanding what makes you tick and finding someone who loves and accepts that part of you.
Married at 23 (wife just turned 21) straight out of college. We were both very immature
Also totally anecdotal: Exactly the same for us, up to this point. Now I’m looking at 36 on the horizon this year, and she 34, and we’re still both quite happily married.
My only point being: it just depends on the people. It works for some, and for others it doesn’t. I wish I could tell a person which kind they’d be, but I can’t.
I will absolutely say, however, it’s gonna hurt a whole hell of a lot less to simply wait a bit longer and be sure of what you want, and that you’re both in agreement on the major things. It doesn’t mean you have to wait in order for the relationship to succeed, but it sure would improve the likelihood that it will.
While I also feel it is weird, I strongly believe marrying kids (<18) should be illegally nationally with no exceptions. I have personally witnessed lives destroyed.
I also think that when I see people of that age married or with kids. But I think it’s just because of our different life experiences.
I opted to enroll in a PhD right after graduating and so, at 30, I still feel like my life isn’t at a point when I can start thinking about kids or marriage. But I know a lot of people enter relatively stable jobs as soon as they graduate university (or high school, although in my circles everyone went to university - it’s not as expensive as in the US here). I can understand people in that position starting to think about family earlier than me.
I was just a kid… why would you think I’d know better?
Marriage is about my happiness and according to AITA and TwoXChromosome my husband is a toxic spouse and I need to leave him, force my kids into poverty and go out there and just be happy without those lead balloons. Marriage over do it now
Met my now wife in high school. We’ve been together since high school.
We’ve been married for 5 years now.
I’m 40 next.
So kinda agree with the post, but not the sentiment that if you met your partner early you’re weird. I was lucky I met the love of my life so young. Just because you didn’t doesn’t mean I’m weird, just not as lucky as me.
My wife and I both met at the tail end of college in our early 20s, we knew pretty quickly what we had but we didn’t rush things other than moving in with each other after the first year. We didn’t get married for another 10 years.
I almost feel like weddings early on can put huge stress on a marriage. Even if you have somebody paying for it all it creates a lot of crap to deal with and you can get forced to meet and deal with a huge amount of new family members all at once instead of slowly integrating into those things over time. We had to pay for our wedding ourselves so had zero rush and invited only who we really wanted to be there, and while it was a blast it was still stressful. But holy shit that limo ride back to the hotel room when it was all over is a top 5 moment in both our lives.
Maturity plays a much more important role than age. Some people are never fit to marry, some have what it takes by the time they are 16/17. It’s not often that it plays out well for the youngest ones, and since each year brings new experiences and understandings each year moves along the bell curve of “marriage readiness”. So is it more likely that a 24 year old is more ready for marriage than a 18 year old. Yes. Is it guaranteed? No. I know some 50/60 year olds that still aren’t ready for marriage. They just never learned the skills it takes to have a healthy marriage. Giving an age as a hard cutoff is too arbitrary a measure. Age doesn’t guarantee shit.
24yo people don’t see themselves as children. This post is probably coming from a 40yo person.
As a 27yo, I’m still trying to figure out how to better organize myself. I was one of those kids that never had to take notes in school
And now that’s coming back to bite me, because I’m completely new to note-taking, but am working on large 20yo code bases with tons of tech-debt and spaghetti madness. Along with tons of technical jargon in a completely different field. I just can’t keep all that in my head anymore
The point is, i feel like an adult in certain aspects, and a child in others
That’s it, end of thread. Maturity plays such an important factor it’s astonishing it’s not the first thing being discussed instead of an arbitrary number.
I think anyone that refers to an adult as a child is weird.
I’m more referring to myself.
I was in my 20’s once and thought I was a fully fledged adult. In some ways I was, in others I was not, I was still just a kid.
Probably say the same about myself in another 20 years.
Lol for me all people who marry are weird why draw the line at a certain age
I’m 35 and I’m still not sure that I’m old enough to get married yet.
At 53 with a partner and two kids, I am currently in deep, deep depression wishing that I’d married the girl I split up with at 24.
I think I may have just gone down the same path and im scared I may have the same realization one day.
Why did you guys split up back then?
Me being an impulsive dork and dumping her for a far less intelligent girl with bigger breasts who didn’t even really happen even. That was it. Game over. She wouldn’t take me back.
TBH I should’ve ended myself then but was too stupid to even realise that was the better option than living another 20 years without her. Still… I wouldn’t have wanted to hurt my parents. Been distracting myself ever since with lots of other stuff. Can’t do it now because of my kids, and mother still alive. Dad fucked in head with dementia. Oh well. Keep trudging on and now have Lemmy to make stupid comments on. Yay.
Hang in there. Consider talking to a therapist.
One foot in front of the other. Look for the positives. Know that the perfection I imagine is nostalgic nonsense and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
That’s a wise take. Dwelling on what ifs will never get you anywhere
I reckon even Buddha had a chick he wishes he didn’t bail on. Edit: btw it’s 2:50 for me and have to get up in 3 hours. I’m going to try to sleep.
Cheers.
Do you miss the 24 year old girl or do you miss being 24?
no shame in therapy if you haven’t been
I’ve been for other issues but it’s more or less all the same: “pull yourself together, stop XYZ”
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Thought about turning it off, plenty of times. Off. Right off. Like unplugging it completely.
Well, for whatever it’s worth, this internet stranger is happy you’re still here. As long as you’re here, it can get better.
Thanks Baph!
oof
At what age are you supposed to know what you want for the rest of your life? You will never have an answer to that in any capacity, and not just in marriage. You evolve as a person, you’ll never have a fixed desire for your whole life. And that’s the great thing about marriage and relationships, they also evolve. And it’s about who you want to try doing that with
That might as well be an argument for child marriage.
Uh, no. If you’re just a kid at 24 according to OP, when do you stop being a kid? When OP arbitrarily says so now? Could’ve sworn legal age meant something like “when you’re no longer a kid and can make your own decisions”. I mean I agree, 24 year olds are basically kids and still have a lot of life experience to gain. But they’re not actually children like you’re weirdly implying I’m saying
You evolve all the time, but you might have some desires that are fixed for your whole life and you might realize it before you’re an adult.
At what age are you supposed to know what you want for the rest of your life?
Maybe around the year that the brain finishes developing, which can vary from person to person but is typically around the mid 20s.
I see/hear about marriages started at 30+ 40+ 50+ all the time that fail. I see people pivot careers and industries in the middle years of their life. People tastes change all the time as they get older. Let’s not pretend that when your brain finishes developing you suddenly have life figured out/know exactly what you want
I generally agree that getting married before 24 is a pretty risky move and you have to have thought it through very carefully, but the argument that “you don’t know what you want for the rest of your life” is not the reason why that is. It relates more to life experience/emotional capability/massive foresight. Marriage is more than just “wanting something for the rest of your life”, it’s a commitment, it’s not just some eternal desire you may/may not have
I feel like it might come from the fact most relationships are pretty short before you are 24. Few people hold onto long lasting relationships by that age and few (at the time) short ones develop into anything reliable.
A former classmate of mine met a guy and got married after knowing him almost a year, like right out of highschool. Last I heard of her they went through a messy divorce couple of years later, which we all saw coming and tried telling her about.
That sounds more like an issue with that person not being open/receptive to her peers advice. And I think this is true for many people beyond the age of 24 as well
I don’t think ppl getting married is wierd before 24 risky sure. Having kids before 24 is crazy. Like 2 years in workforce at minimum. Barely time to be able an adult before a parent.
I much prefer being a young parent, than the idea of raising teenagers in my 50s or 60s. I much rather have all my fun, travel and adventures with my kids or will do with my wife when we’re older and the kids moved out
Barely time to be able an adult before a parent.
Which always ends up unfair to the parents and children.
